The Five Minutes of Haruhi Suzumiya
by LoLoGreeneVines
Summary: "Why did I think that asking her out would be a good idea, again? This had to be a record. How embarrassing."


**Author's notes: Just because I love the idea that Taniguchi was that five-minute failed relationship of Haruhi's. :)**

* * *

"Okay."

I blinked. Had Suzumiya really just agreed to..?

"Yes, I'll go out with you."

No way.

Seriously?

...

_Score_!

Haruhi's eyes narrowed, regarding me with deep suspicion. "You had better not turn out to be boring, though. The minute you bore me, we're through."

Have no fear, my darling Haruhi! I won't disappoint you!

I could have been walking on air. "I suppose we should plan a date or something, then," I suggested. Haruhi raised an eyebrow, folded her arms and tapped her foot impatiently.

"That is generally what going out with a person involves, yes," she pointed out, refusing to even look at me. I crumpled slightly inside. Was such snarkiness really necessary? You could try being nice to me, Haruhi, I'm your boyfriend now!

Well, I can't read your mind. What do _you_ want to do?

Haruhi stared at me with a blank expression. "Are you kidding me? You have no suggestions whatsoever?"

Uh oh. This wasn't a brilliant start.

"Um... well, how about going to see a film?"

Haruhi blinked. "What film?"

Her expression wasn't encouraging in the slightest. In fact, she was looking at me as though I were the remains of a slug she had steamrollered in her haste to rush off, break into school and vandalise the playing field, or whatever else it was the rumours said she did in her spare time.

Why did I think that asking her out would be a good idea, again?

"Okay, forget the film, that was a bad idea," I backpedalled. Haruhi frowned. Couldn't I say _anything_ right? "How about we just go shopping or something? Girls love shopping, right?"

Oops. Had I just offered to buy her things? I'm _fourteen years old_, I don't have the sort of money required to buy Suzumiya the kind of weird stuff she's likely to want!

"Dull."

Well, that solved that problem.

"A romantic picnic?" I offered.

"Boring," she countered, tapping her fingers against the crook of her elbow in time with her still-tapping foot, as though it were a timer counting down.

I could feel myself sweating in anxiety. "What if I took you ice-skating?"

"Tedious."

Oh, _come on_. Isn't there _anything_ you like to do, Haruhi?

I was at the end of my rope. "A walk in the park?" I asked, thoroughly expecting Haruhi to finally snap and bite my head off. And not in the praying-mantis-during-intercourse way, either.

She was silent for the longest time. Just as I was about to take back the offer, she spoke. "That has the potential to be moderately interesting," said Haruhi.

Well. I hadn't been expecting that.

"Great! We'll do that, then!" I said, quickly, eager to finalise the plan before Haruhi could change her mind. "How's after school today?"

"Whatever," replied Haruhi.

Why won't you just _smile_? You could look happier about this.

"Um. Great."

"Whatever."

Well, at least we had an arrangement.

I felt as though I should probably say something else, seeing as Haruhi clearly wasn't eager to add anything. However, I couldn't really think of anything to say to my extraordinarily beautiful girlfriend, either. So, I just took the opportunity to look at her. Naturally, after a while, my gaze settled on her blouse, admiring the way it enveloped her fine figure.

"My face is up here, you know."

How could I possibly respond to that? I raised my gaze to her face, to see her eyebrows drawn into the centre of her forehead. She didn't look happy.

"You know, Taniguchi, I'm never going to sleep with you. Ever."

The thought hadn't even occurred to me. Promise.

...

Okay, maybe it _had_.

Haruhi scoffed. "You guys are all the same."

Still, ouch. _Never_? So that means you're not serious about me? Why would you even agree to go out with me in the first place if you weren't serious?

"I don't think this is working out," Haruhi finally said, the rhythmic tapping of her foot suddenly coming to a stop. "I think we should break up."

That had to be some sort of record. How embarrassing.

"You're never going to change your mind, are you?" I asked, dejectedly. Except I wasn't dejected, because that would imply that I ever actually thought I stood a chance. Of course I hadn't. I wasn't disappointed in the slightest.

Haruhi rolled her eyes. "If I ever changed my mind, I would never make any decisions."

Um. What?

"See you, Taniguchi," she said, her eyes leaving my face as she stalked away. Somehow, I very much doubted she would ever look at me again.

I didn't care one bit.


End file.
